


you used to call me baby (now you're calling me by name.)

by iljhoon



Series: The way your body moves remind me of my favourite tunes [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Fighting, M/M, Makeup, as in, kinda an abusive r/s, mentally abusive r/s, push and pull, thats the tw, uhhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 06:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14443560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iljhoon/pseuds/iljhoon
Summary: where jaemin and jeno are just stuck in an unhealthy loop of one another.





	you used to call me baby (now you're calling me by name.)

**Author's Note:**

> hello, i'm back with an angst this time! this fic's loosely based around 5sos' new release 'youngblood'!! hope you enjoy!   
> (p.s. everything's in jaemin's pov)

**REMEMBER THE WORDS YOU TOLD ME,**

**LOVE ME TILL THE DAY I DIE.**

**SURRENDER MY EVERYTHING,**

**'CAUSE YOU MADE ME BELIEVE YOU'RE MINE.**

* * *

_This is my recollection, of how our love had come and gone like the midsummer's haze._

When pretty love notes were finally passed from your mouth to my mouth, instead of through secret locker doors; when our fingers intertwined in a way where our lives would soon do so, and how our hearts had linked up like the phone numbers of long lost friends who had finally found the other, I swore to myself that you were the one for me. Your hand in mine had just felt so warm, it felt like home, and I had convinced myself that it is in your bright eyes where I want to get lost in, and it was in your beating heart that I wanted to reside in forever. You looked at me with those twinkling eyes of yours, and gave my hand a tight squeeze, as if to tell me that you'd be mine forever.

When we shared our first kiss, it  _wasn't_ the prettiest kiss, I'd give it that. But the cliche fireworks and butterflies were everywhere, and I felt like I was dancing on several clouds of many levels. Kissing you felt like a true promise was made between us, that our love would be sealed for life in a tiny jar filled with all of our happy memories, that your heart and mine were finally locked for the other. Your lips held more magic in them than I had ever imagined, as your fingers danced like little butterflies against my back. I felt like I was finally home. 

When I had my first breakdown, you had been there to hold me even tighter than you had ever done before. Rubbing circles on my back as I bawled whilst sitting on the sidewalk was never an ideal destination that I had in mind, but you made me feel so safe, you made me feel as though this was alright; that life may be at its worst and against me, but you'd still be with me. Somewhere along the timeline, my heart had stopped aching over my pathetic situation, but my tears were still running nonchalantly down my face, like little children running out to meet the first snow. It was you, who made my heart ache, because I simply cannot imagine losing you, and like a freight train, my heart and mind would not stop having such thoughts run around in my head.  **Would you ever leave me?** I asked, and you had stopped rubbing my shoulder to look at me,  **No, I would never,** you said,  **what made you think of that?**

**Nothing.** I closed the conversation, not wanting to go deep into my panicky thoughts that lingered for longer than the monster under my bed. 

* * *

**SAY YOU WANT ME, OUT OF YOUR LIFE**

**AND I'M JUST A DEAD MAN WALKING TONIGHT.**

**SAY YOU WANT ME, BACK IN YOUR LIFE**

**SO I'M JUST A DEAD MAN CRAWLING TONIGHT.**

* * *

Things changed, as things do but this was not for the better.

When ugly hate messages in bright red ink were being passed from your mouth to my mouth, where every message is drowned in the concoction of distrust, anger, sadness and anxiety, I started to feel the beginning of the end greet me on my front porch as though it had been a visit from the neighbourhood kids. Except this time I would have no cookies to give away, just a cracked heart and an empty feeling that sits at the bottom of my steps. The way your mouth shapes so beautifully, yet the words they shoot out hurt like an arrow and I'm the target board. I am always the target board. 

Yet, I still tell myself that this is okay. Because I still love you, this is okay. 

When you'd call me off and justify that it had all happened because you were not in the right state of mind, that you had a bad day, or that I had just taken your words too sensitively. I believed you on all of the stars in the night sky and with all of my love for you. I'd believe that you were right, perhaps I had been overly sensitive about things, taking into account how my heart's nearly almost as fragile as a tea cup, with liquid filled to the brim like tears in my eyes. After all, you had told me many times, that you loved me, and why would the people you love hurt you intentionally? They wouldn't, exactly.

And that's why I came back, because I love you, so this is okay. 

* * *

 

**LATELY OUR CONVERSATIONS**

**END LIKE IT'S THE LAST GOODBYE.**

**SO, WHO YOU BEEN CALLING,**

**BABY?**

* * *

When it had first occured to me, that it was not okay for you to treat me like a disposable, you called me crazy then proceeded to say you love me. _How is that love_ , when you make me feel sorry for being the way I am? _How is it love_ , when your eyes don't shine like the stars that form constellations in the night around me, but light up when someone else walks near your path, like a sidewalk light that reacts to everything else? No, I am convinced, 

_this is not love._

After every ~~conversation~~ argument, you would look at me like I was the crazy dog that would run into your backyard at late o'clock to dig holes and chew your shoes left on the front porch. I looked at you like you were the disappointment that laid itself in my head and nestled up closely to my heart; practically eating me alive. You were the thought that made me feel so small, so unwanted in my own home, that I had had to resort to packing my own bags and kicking myself out of my own home to get a peace of mind. No, that's no longer home, that is simply a house, a building that the both of us share and reside under one roof. There is no love in this building, but there is plenty of tension, stacks of arguments that bounced off our concrete walls regardless of the time, alongside plenty of imaginary vases and plates and knives and tables have been thrown, flipped and turned over in the period of time.

_this is not love._

How did the anxiety of you leaving me morph into the anxiety of you  _never_ leaving me? How did this happen, how could the home I had built with your warmth and your touch and your love and your gaze turn into something so morbid for me? When did you hands start turning cold at the sight of me? Of course, these were all signs to me that you had no longer loved me the way I had loved you, and perhaps you had cut off your side of the heart line long ago... it had just taken me a little longer to realise. You were right, you didn't leave me physically. But I will. 

_thus, my side had been cut off too, through the complete will of me._

* * *

_**dear lee jeno,** _

_**at one point, you were the best thing to have happened** _

_**to me.** _

_**you had given me love and warmth,** _

_**and had shown me a light in this dark path.** _

_**but along the way,** _

_**you became the dark path,** _

_**and I had been hurt in ways you had promised** _

_**not to.** _

_**so, here's to our never returning love,** _

_**here's to the future happiness,** _

_**yours and mine included.** _

_**but for now,** _

_**I'd see you out the door.** _

_**and for the last time,** _

_**love,** _

_**na jaemin.** _

 


End file.
